This fall I was asked to officiate the wedding of my sister-in-law Rachel to her fiance Mike. It was a distinct pleasure and the first wedding I’ve ever been asked to officiate. My remarks were well received so I wanted to share them here in case they are useful to someone else. There are some minor changes I wrote on my script in the weekend before the wedding, but this is the script I started with.
Rachel and Mike’s Wedding
Friends and family, we are gathered here on this joyous day to celebrate the love between Mike and Rachel and help them transform that love into a family. I’ve had the pleasure of watching Rachel and Mike meet each other, fall in love and to be here today to help them wed.
It is important that we are all gathered together to join in this making of a family. We are here as parents, sisters, extended family and friends new and old. We come together to not only send Mike and Rachel on their journey but the show them that they do not go alone; they start this marriage with all of us supporting them. That they should know that no trouble they face needs to be faced alone.
In marriage we commit to facing the good times and the bad together. By being here today all of us lend them our love and support. Because no family is two people alone, it is a community of people united by our love.
The poet Edmund O’ Neill wrote:
Marriage is a commitment to life, the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth that no other relationship can equal. It is a physical and an emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.
Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life’s most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other’s best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. And there may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.
Marriage deepens and enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.
When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique unto themselves which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other and takes a lifetime to fulfill.
I have already seen the two of you two grow your relationship through three truly momentous years of challenges in the world. There is no perfect answer for what makes a lasting and happy marriage. But I’m happy to offer you these seven principles from research done by John M. Gottman, one of the premier researchers on what makes relationships work.
1. Care deeply about each other’s lives. Not just about each other, but the interests, trials and tribulations of your spouse. “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms.”
2. Invest in your marriage. Tell happy stories of how you met, compliment and appreciate each other. Never stop showing that you care for each other. Each kind word, each happy memory recalled helps to build the sense of love and affection you have for each other.
3. Turn towards each other instead of away. A full life is full of challenges big and small. In a healthy marriage your partner should be the first person you turn to. This happens not just in big dramatic moments but in a thousand small moments folding laundry, doing the dishes, and walking the dog. We build up our relational bank account with many small deposits, and we draw on that balance when things are harder.
4. Be Influenced by your spouse. Ask and listen to each other’s advice and let it influence you. You are both lucky to be marrying someone so smart. Use that as the great gift that it is. Ask for advice even if your spouse doesn’t know much about the topic. Let them help you think through problems and trust that their advice has your best interests at heart.
5. Solve your solvable problems. No marriage is free of problems, but good ones learn to be at solving them. Soften your criticism. Repair your relationship when tensions are high. Soothe yourself and your spouse when in conflict. Compromise with each other and find common ground. Above all, be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6. Overcome Gridlock Some problems are harder to solve and feel like you are stuck in gridlock. These challenges are rooted in your biggest dreams for life and your future. So learn your spouse’s biggest and deepest dreams. Cherish them and help them grow.
7. Create shared meaning in your lives Truly creating a family creates a shared culture just for yourselves. Create traditions, tell stories, tall tails, and find ways of running your life together. These habits are what create a family far more than rings and vows or living in the same home.
That said, rings and vows are what we are here for today. This gathering, full of family and friends, on this beautiful day, is the first of many stories to be told and anniversaries to be celebrated.
Vows
Now that I have dispensed advice, I invite you to join your hands and your hearts and repeat these vows.
Michael repeat after me: I, Mike, take you, Rachel, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.
Rachel repeat after me: I, Rachel, take you, Mike, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life.
Ring Exchange
May I have the rings please.
Mike take Rachel’s hands and repeat after me.
I give you this ring as a reminder that I will love, honor, and cherish you, In all times, In all places, And in all ways, forever. With this ring, I marry you and bind my life to yours. It is a symbol of my eternal love, My everlasting friendship, And the promise of all my tomorrows.
Rachel repeat after me.
I give you this ring as a reminder that I will love, honor, and cherish you, In all times, In all places, And in all ways, forever. With this ring, I marry you and bind my life to yours. It is a symbol of my eternal love, My everlasting friendship, And the promise of all my tomorrows.
By the power of your love and with the witnesses present today, I pronounce you man and wife.
You may now kiss!